My appointment was bright and early on a Wednesday morning for my first chemo treatment. I watched the warm before the storm blow through tempestuous skies, tumbleweeds flying every which way.
As I sat in the waiting room, as the minutes passed by, thoughts I had been pushing away started swirling in my head (as unwanted thoughts are wont to do.) “After a lifetime of trying to live healthy and being careful of what I put in to my body I am now going to willingly allow poison to be pumped into me?” “How can this be right?” “I work so consistently to take care of my health, and now I am going to negate all that with poison?”
I wallowed in this sad confusion, getting myself more and more worked up for several minutes. I was nearly in tears when my more ‘logical and in control’ part of my brain took control and said STOP THIS.
STOP THIS NOW.
I remembered how my son would hit the button on his Nintendo system and say “Do Over” when he didn’t like how a game was going. I seriously did not like the way I had started this day, and sure wanted a “do over” myself. Without thinking, I found myself standing up, then walking out the door. Leaving everything: purse, blanket, notebook, phone; I just walked to the parking lot right outside. I looked to the heavens and in the midst of the wind I shouted “DO OVER!” I stomped my feet and glared at the pavement and with each stomp I shouted,
THIS is NOT the way it goes.
THIS is NOT how it’s going to begin.
THIS is NOT the way I do things.
I paused, I stood looking at the door, I swear the wind stopped for a moment.
Out loud I said, “I need help. I need this medicine. I need this ammunition. I’m going to battle and this is what I need to attack with. I have to give my body the tools it needs. I need this. Give me the power to attack. I need this.”
I pulled my shoulders back, snapped my head up, and took a deep breath. A raindrop fell on my cheek as I marched back inside.
I gathered all my belongs, and within a few minutes was called for my appointment. I made a point to look at each person working with me, taking my vitals, showing me to the infusion area, and the RN hooking me all up to everything. This was my team, I was heading into a battle and I was depending on them to give me everything I needed for this battle. They did their part and now I was ready to do mine.